What was it For?

So 3 hour drives really get ya thinking. And lately I've been thinking about A lot. And its really late and I should be sleeping considering we are leavin at 645 tomorrow and then I work 5pm to 1am. But I just need to say this to someone rather than keeping it blocked in. Its really odd. But lately I've been thinking about my life, and what accomplishments I've had. Sure I had a lot of great ones throughout highschool. BUT. The summer after graduation I was in a car accident. Theres no way I should have left a car as flat as a pancake with a small fracture in my neck and slight head trauma. I should have been flattened just like the car. Many times I've thought that. And everyone tells me that someone was looking out for me, and that God has bigger plans for me. And I sit here thinking, ever since my accident I have done nothing worthy of these bigger plans. I do cherish that I'm with Jamie very much. But somehow I don't feel that thats all that I'm meant for. I feel like I should be doing something big, something that means something to someone. I want to figure it out. I want to live my life in a way that makes people proud of me. Something that makes me feel like God didn't waste his time saving my life that day. I mean yeah I'm happy. I've got amazing family, and I'm engaged to the very person who makes me feel happy and still gives me butterflies when I see his amazing smile! But. I still can't shake the feeling that I need to do something big, thats gonna help a lot of people. And for some reason lately, a job has been popping into my head. It's never been a dream of mine, but I've been watching a lot of movies and reading books that all just HAPPEN to have them in. I know I'm tiny so its a long shot, but lately it feels like something I want to do. It would take a lot of hard work, and people would never take me seriously but, I could do so much good. I've been thinking today a lot (well recently watchin movies and stuff) about firefighting. When hearing a firefighter talk about how they feel after saving a life. It runs through me like I want to save a life. I want to be a hero to someone. Because right now, I feel like I'm just here. Jamie is my hero. Hes a police officer. He puts himself in danger everyday to keep me safe. But how am I keeping him safe? He keeps a lot of people safe. And me, I just am a maid pretty much. I clean mostly with my in home care. I want to save peoples lives, I want to feel like I matter. If I could save just one life, after mine being saved, I'd be happy. I'd feel like I really was meant for something in this world worth saving for.
Man....all this thinking....I think I should go to bed. 6 hours is gonna come fast. And with my lovely thinking and insomnia. Boy it will come faster.

Down to the 1 Year Mark!!!

First of all I'd like to say HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AUNTIE K AND UNCLE ROGER! I can't wait to celebrate anniversaries with them! Didn't even realize when we set our date for exactly a year from today (boy how time FLIES) that I'd be sharing my anniversary with my Aunt/Godmother!
Well today has been....eventful...I guess not eventful but just flustering. I found out today that there are people in this world who think I'm posting too much about my fiance and I and whats going on at home on my Facebook. First of all half the things I say on facebook about my fiance, are JOKINGLY calling him a jerk. Secondly, these people don't even know me! So how can they judge? They aren't even my friends on facebook. So they really need to mind their own business and grow up a little. Thanks for that little vent.
I went to work this morning, and it was quite boring, and I really didn't feel like doing much. My second shift starts soon, and that again will be boring, I already know this, haha, its the same routine every day. After that I am coming home, picking up Evanrude, and we are making the big drive (aka 3 hours) to Mom and Dads. The fair is this weekend, and tomorrow I get to be the "bitch" who won't be bribed into giving the underage 21+ wristbands for the beertent. I get to use my "handy dandy" ID scanner and I'm wearing my State Patrol hat to distracf the children from trying to trick me :P hehe. Even though I know not many years ago I would have been one of those kids, but thankfully I'm on the right track now! I guess being engaged to a State Patrol Officer does that to you.
Jamie also informed me today that we are no longer buying a vehicle. We are going to buy a house first, then see if we can get a vehicle and jet skiis shortly afterwards. Sucks, because I would have loved to have an SUV for winter driving, but I'd rather have a house too! I can't wait till he gets a new job and we can have a place to call ours. Paint how we want, decorate how we want, eat how we want, just live like we want. Our situation is fine now, even though a little cramped at times, with 6 people, 3 dogs, and 2 cats basically living here. But its managable! Anyways if I don't stop rambling I'm gonna be late for the Brothers S!!! See ya Later!

Attack free for 24 Hours

Its official...I've been panic attack free for 24 hours. Ive been in the basement while its dark outside for 3 hours by myself. And suprisingly have YET to feel Nervous. Which is a relief because I think Jamie was starting to wonder what he was gettin himself into. His fiance needed him to come "tuck her in" lol, so to speak, then leave the lights on until he came to bed. He should be home in a half hour or so. At least I hope!!! Tomorrow I wont see him hardly at all, and then we wont see eachother till Monday. Then I should be stayin home for a while.

It is exactly One Year and One Day until our wedding! I can't believe how fast its coming! I'm so nervous that I'm not going to have time to get everything done. My bridesmaids are all spread out so far away from eachother and so are Jamie's groomsmen! And this year is gonna be such a BUSY year for us to, besides wedding planning, we also have to plan to have a church ceremony (vow renual so we can be taken into the catholic church as a married couple), hopefully Jamie will have a permanent spot so I can go to school, and we can buy a house!!! And we're currently car shopping! Busy Busy Busy. No wonder I'm exhausted lately!!

Day One...

Hey Everyone! Its me! Today was basically just DRAGGING along as usual! Alarm clock went off at 7:45, I slept in till 8:45, then rushed to get ready and get out the door to Mrs. G's House (can't give names its the law :P)...I helped her vaccum, clean stove, and some tables today, and boy was I tired! I decided to skip my meds until I was done at 1030, because I usually take them at 10 and didnt want to take them 2 hours earlier. I got home, and took the meds, then passed out on the couch until my second shift. I drove the wonderful drive (not) to The Brothers S. I've never worked their 3 hour long Tues-Thurs shift before, but I did today. And I cleaned up doghair, and cooked, and then it was like an hour left yet, which was quite riduculous, usually we're supposed to bake cookies, or brownies or something, but they had NOTHING for desserts besides instant pudding. So I made cheeseburger Mac, and added in some veggies so that Big Bro would eat them lol. In case you havent noticed, I'm a in home caretaker, just to clear that up! Now I'm home. Just waitin on my hunnie to get back! I very much so miss that boy! I've been back for 4 days and I've slept most of them! Tryin to catch up. Though. I wait for him to get home, crawl into bed, make him leave the light on until he crawls in too. But what do you do??? Anyways. Tomorrow is another day of work. Im at Party Girl (shes 31 and loves to party), and Brothers S tomorrow. Then off to mom and dads for the Buffalo County Fair!!!! YAY!!!!